If She Could Forgive and Move On, So Can You!

This week let's talk about a subject that many find difficult to deal with daily. Forgiveness is for your own good. Even though you may feel that you are being hard on someone by not forgiving him or her, you are actually working against yourself. When you do not forgive, you bind yourself to that act of violation that was worked against you. By forgiving you release yourself from the act and you are free to move on. It does not mean that by forgiving you are condoning the wrong done against you. It simply means that you acknowledge that you were wronged but you are choosing to move on free from the hurt that was inflicted upon you.

A young lady once asked me to help her work through the issues that were affecting her. Sometimes all we need is a listening ear. She had tested positive for HIV at a time when she was about to remarry a fine young lad in her church. We arranged a meeting and after the pleasantries, she got into her story:

“I feel like I am carrying this load that I cannot let go of. There are three people I’m failing to forgive because I feel they contributed to my ending up in this place. They are my ex-husband, my dad and my mum.”

“In what way were they involved?” I enquired.

“My ex-husband used to cheat on me and I know he is the one who infected me with this virus because he is the only man I have been with,” she said, “and I only found out that he had two ex-wives out of the country after we got married. I got married to him in a rush. I was young and coming from a broken family. Life was hard. I thought getting married would be a way to get away from being a street kid since my mother had passed away. My father was nowhere to be found and there was no one from the family willing to take care of me. When my mother passed away, my siblings and I were not informed. We only found out about her death later. She suffered from HIV AIDS and none of us the children knew about this. What I remembered was the pain of seeing my father cheating on my mother. If my father hadn’t infected my mother with HIV maybe she could have lived longer to see us grow up and probably my life could have taken a different route.”

A momentary silence followed as I allowed her to recover from the emotions that were taking over as she told her story.

“When did you find out about your status?” I resumed.

“Last year: after I started pre-marital counselling. It is a church pre-requisite for couples to get tested before marriage. When I got the results I was sure they had made a mistake. I did not believe the results. I only went for a second test four months later since my fiancé and I were planning to get married. The results were the same. It was difficult to deal with, so I did nothing until when my brother (the last born in my family) was not well. He tested HIV positive from birth. It gave me a wakeup call to do something about myself. Now I am on treatment and it is really hard. The pills sometimes make me feel sick.”

“How did your fiancé take it?”

“I am grateful that he has taken it well. It was not easy as you can imagine. I expected him to walk away. It can’t be easy for anyone but he has been there for me and promised to stick by me regardless.”

“You are blessed to have such a caring fiancé.”

“Yes, I really appreciate him for all he has done for me.”

“I cannot say I know exactly how you feel about all you have gone through. I imagine though that it must be really hard given that you are living with what I might call a “scar” because you have to live with HIV. It is unlike someone who had a bad encounter that just happened as an event. You have to live with the consequences of these events and they are affecting you. Were any of these people born again?” I asked.

“Only my mum was born again, my dad and ex-husband were not.”

“I find a lot of times that we struggle with forgiveness because of our perspective of the situation. God uses man to achieve his purposes on earth. It is easy for us to acknowledge that someone was used by God to reach out to us in times of need. Unfortunately, the devil also uses people and we don’t quite find it equally easy to acknowledge that one is used of the devil. Remember that the word of God says that we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, powers and spiritual wickedness in high places.[1] Though people may be involved, the real enemy is the devil. He is the one who comes to kill, steal and destroy[2] and wherever you see some form of stealing, killing and destroying, the devil is at work.

“I see that your joy has been stolen from you, there is an attempt at stealing your health and your relationship with your father was stolen and destroyed. Do you think that is the work of man alone? When we do not realise that the devil is at work in such situations, we are no longer in a position to love one another as the Bible instructs us[3][4] but we develop hatred, anger and bitterness. These are not the fruits of the Spirit of God but of the flesh.[5]We ought to love people but we do not have to accept their actions. Obviously people who are used of the devil are involved in participation, but where they are not born again what do we expect? How can we expect the fruits of the Spirit of God where there is only the flesh? The nature of the unregenerate man is to sin.”

At this point she was nodding in agreement.“We accept people and forgive people,” I continued, “but it does not mean we have to like what they did. We love them in small doses, even from afar until we are ready to engage them again. In your case, two thirds of the people are no longer alive but you can still forgive and release them. This is for your own good, but you do not have to do it unless you are ready. You might want to think about what I have said for a while and then you can speak out words to release them when you are ready.”

“I am ready. I want to do it now.”

“Let us pray. Follow after me and say these words from your heart. Say ‘Father, I acknowledge today that I was hurt. The things that were done to me are painful but I choose not to regard the pain. I choose to forgive my ex-husband. I release him from my heart. I forgive my father and mother. I release them from my heart. You Lord are the healer. Heal the pain in my heart. I thank you that by your Spirit I can do all things. Thank you for your joy which is my strength. I thank you for my freedom. I receive it and declare that I am free indeed. I choose your Kingdom. It is righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. Amen”

As we prayed, tears rolled down her cheeks. Slowly she followed after my words giving thought to all of them. Then as we affirmed her freedom and joy she began to smile. After the prayer I asked her how she felt. “I feel so light, like a huge load has been lifted off me” she replied with a smile. Two weeks later I asked her if the feeling of freedom had endured beyond the moment and she replied, “I am enjoying my life much better now. Thank you very much. You cannot control what you go through in life but what you control is how you react to the situations. My inspiration continues to come from the word of God which tells me that He who has begun a good work in me will be faithful to complete it until the day of Jesus Christ. ” I am proud to serve the God who heals all kinds of wounds restoring people to a place of peace and joy.

You too can forgive.

It does not matter what they did to you. It is for your own good and you will definitely enjoy life better when you release those that offended you. Choose life and obey God. The prayer says, “Forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Such is God’s expectation from us that we should expect him to forgive us as we forgive others. Unforgiveness is unnecessary baggage that you bring into your own life and keep for as long as you like. You can choose to get rid of it today. I trust that you will make the right decision and find yourself some much needed freedom.

[1]Ephesians 6:12
[2]John 10:10
[3]John 13:34-35
[4]John 15:12, 17

[5]Galatians 5:19-23